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Sarah says consent is the gateway to sexual pleasure.Here’s why

This article contains references to sexual assault.
Watch the Insight episode Talking About Sex on SBS On Demand.
Consent means to freely and voluntarily say yes to something. We often talk about it in relation to sexual activity. did your heart go there? There are probably good reasons. Continued non-consensual sexual activity is assault. But you probably don’t think of consent as a positive part of sex. When consent is mentioned, people often think about the legal consequences of breaching consent.
Consent is a good thing, it keeps us safe and happy. Nevertheless, we cringe when we hear the word and think about the consequences if the word does not exist. We feel so uncomfortable talking about respecting consent that violations of consent are the norm. Sexual violence is widespread, with 1 in 5 Australian women and 1 in 16 men experiencing sexual violence.

I distinctly remember coming home to Sydney from boarding school in ninth grade. My friends were preparing for a party there. “Have you shaved?” they asked me. With a confused expression, I was told to be prepared to be molested by a male student. They said to me, “That’s what boys are doing now.”

At the time, I was disgusted by what I was told, but I didn’t think it was assault. I wasn’t educated enough to recognize it. I was more curious as to why a teenage boy would welcome finger poking. It shouldn’t be fun for boys either, I thought.

Gap in empathy between men and women

Many of our understandings of consent are innate. As a toddler, you probably remember your parents grabbing your hand and squeezing it harder when you try to pull them away. You’ve probably hugged someone and felt it was time to let go. Towards the end of COVID-19, we’ve all asked for permission before shaking hands. However, this instinctive understanding seems to be forgotten in sexual contexts.

We feel so uncomfortable talking about respecting consent that violations of consent are the norm.

There are forces at work that create an empathy gap between men and women, with some feeling entitled to sexual gratification at the expense of the comfort or safety of others. You cannot rely on nonverbal consent in sexual situations. Nor can we rely on a simple yes or no. Moreover, just as a person automatically has the right to possess another person’s body until told otherwise, one should assume that it is ‘yes’ until someone says ‘no’. not.
It’s complicated. I may have lost your attention. Are we focusing on the wrong things?

Consent is the gateway to joy. When you communicate with your sexual partner about their desires and what works for them, and importantly, give yourself permission to ask the same thing, the magic happens.

Reframe your view of consent

If we could spend less time conceptualizing consent in a legal context, and more time in an ethical context, then we could shift our mindset away from consent as a complete and rigid checklist for fear of legal repercussions. may be possible. Instead, consent can be framed as an ongoing reflection, or negotiation, of how we want to relate to others.
Some protest that asking for consent ruins the atmosphere. Please ask yourself. WHO Does it spoil your mood? Is it someone who doesn’t care about your sexual satisfaction or boundaries? I’m not saying that if you engage in regular sexual activity with someone, you have to give verbal consent every minute. This is stupid. Some people have safe and enjoyable sex without being able to speak the language. But there is only good to be gained from increased communication about sex.

I am a victim of sexual violence. As I said earlier, 1 in 5 women do. I am also a victim of slut shaming and cyberbullying, unrealistic and dangerous standards set by pornography, rape myths, misogyny and internalized misogyny. All of this enabled my rapist to make people say to me, ‘I’d probably still go to his party if I was invited.

There was certainly something lurking in the private schools I grew up surrounded by. Still, my closest friends and I managed to avoid drinking. how? I think it was an understanding of ethical consent. When both parties understand the value and joy of reciprocity and empathy when it comes to sex, they will not be afraid to ask for consent. You can’t move forward without it.
Sarah is the director and co-founder ofis a national resource dedicated to demystifying and improving police and legal procedures for victims of sexual violence.
If you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault, please call 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) or visit:. Call 000 in case of emergency.

https://www.sbs.com.au/news/insight/article/sarah-says-consent-is-the-gateway-to-pleasure-heres-why/qei32s0lu Sarah says consent is the gateway to sexual pleasure.Here’s why

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